Wyoming Lifestyle Blogger: Parenting without a net, otherwise titled "Am I screwing up my kid?"

My momma heart is aching right now.  Aching.  I just packed my little girl off to school on the bus in tears over her new favorite stuffed animal, whom she calls Bun-Bun.

She started taking Bun-Bun to school a few weeks ago when the weather was awful and they had lots of indoor recess.  Everyone was squirrely and I thought a toy to pass the days indoors was a fairly benign idea.  Except that last week I started to notice he wasn’t just coming out at recess.  Bun-Bun was at soccer practice, on the bus, etc.  I felt like he had become a distraction and a crutch all at once.

This weekend she and I talked about how school was the place to learn and to play with other kids.  I told her Bun-Bun needed to stay home with me because she needed to focus on school.  She was okay with it until it was time to leave this morning without him.

Then the tears started.

As someone who’s emotions, good and bad, ALWAYS manifest as tears, I am sensitive to her tears.  My daughter doesn’t use them manipulatively.  She cries because she’s feeling a big emotion.  I asked if she could explain to me why it was so important for Bun-Bun to to go school with her.  After a few emotional sobs, she sort of got it out.

“I feel like I always have a friend by my side that way.”

Good Lord, just stab me in the heart.

I tried to be as gentle as I could, asking questions about if the other kids aren’t letting her play with them or if something scary or hurtful was happening at recess.

“I just like to be by myself at times.  So I go swing and Bun-Bun goes with me and then I have a friend.”

I have no reservations about being the mean mom or the bad mom.  I can say no.  I can say no 100 times and not feel a shred of remorse or guilt or hurt when she cries IF I know what I’m doing is right.

Sleepovers?  No.
Makeup?  No.
Barbie dream house?  No.
Stay up just 15 more minutes on a school night?  No.

But what about when you as a parent don’t know what the “right” thing is?  What then?

I totally understand about feeling like you need a friend.  I was the kid that was friends with everyone but not particularly close with anyone and craved that BFF status that everyone else seemed to have.   Even as an adult, I feel like that sometimes.

I also understand that my kiddo is a bit of an empath.  Not in a paranormal sense.  But she’s very sensitive and highly intuitive to her own and other people’s feelings.  She takes on the worries and the stresses of those around her, and feels deeply the hurts and sadnesses in her life.  I have no doubt that this gift will suit her well in the future and make her a fantastic friend, wife, momma and employee because she is such a nurturer.

But knowing that doesn’t help me right now, staring at her hunched shoulders and shuffling feet as she walked to the bus.

We discussed some possible solutions that might make us both feel okay about Bun-Bun and his travels.  We agreed that he could go to school as long as he stayed in her backpack.

“That way you know he’s always got your back,” I told her.

“Okay,” she sighed.  “Bye.”

It’s these moments that I struggle with as a mom.  When I don’t know what right is.

I struggle so much in parenting this empathic, free-spirited child.  All the things I find beautiful and wonderful about her are the same things that separate her from her peers and not always in a good way.   I don’t want to force her to conform but I also know that not fitting in makes school and surviving it that much harder.

Do you encourage your child to follow her own path even if that path means probable isolation and ridicule?  Or do you give her some “tough love” and help her understand that sometimes we have to push ourselves to do tough things, like going to school without Bun-Bun, to grow?  Can we tell the difference between parenting our child in this moment and fixing our own childhood through our actions?

I don’t know.  I really don’t.

So I sit here, with tears in my own eyes.  I want to drive to the school, liberate Bun-Bun from the backpack and tell her to play with him whenever she wants and any kid that makes fun of her for it is gonna get his ass kicked by me.  But another part of me feels like maybe this is an opportunity for her to gain confidence and grow.  After all, she seemed happy and sunny before we started letting Bun-Bun go to school.

Our kids look to us for the answers.  But the truth is, we’re just guessing most of the time.  We don’t always know what’s right or what’s best.  We’re out here on this ledge and there’s no safety net.  Just a gut sense of how far is too far before we plummet to the depths below.  We make the best decisions we can with the information given at the time, but let’s face it…we’re winging it.  But winging it, in this moment with a sad little girl rolling on toward school with heaviness in her heart, feels woefully inadequate today.

So here’s to the mommas and daddies out there, winging it right along with me.  May the universe watch over us and guide us as we help guide these beautiful little souls in a world that seems hell-bent on destroying them.  Y’all have my respect every day, but especially today.

And if you’re the sort, say a little prayer for my sweet kiddo.  Frankly, she and I could both use some spiritual and psychic love today.

Teresa